Well, it happened. I’ve become another casualty of Covid layoffs and was let go from my company. The warning signs had been there for months, as the film industry has ground to a halt with so many movie theaters and productions shut down. Rumors of my department being affected have been swirling since May, and while it wasn’t fun living in a state of anxiety for that long, it did permit me to prepare my emergency fund. What I wasn’t prepared for was the range of emotions I would experience in receiving the news.
The experience truly felt like getting dumped. Immediately upon learning that my position was being eliminated, I felt completely numb and dazed - in total shock. “This can’t be happening,” I told myself, and started to think that this had to be just a big miscommunication. “I am a hard worker! Everyone loves me!” I wondered who I could call to clear things up and rescind the news.
I found out that many others were also being let go, and the reality of the situation started to sink in. Hot tears clouded my vision as my heart started to break. It just felt so personal. I wanted to know, “why me?” Others were not affected and I wondered just what did they do to remain untouched?
It took a few days of tears and feeling immense loss. My appetite was gone and my heart raced in the middle of the night, sleepless and arrested with thoughts of inadequacy and shame. I was tempted to believe the lies that my self worth was tied to my career, to what others think of me. In those dark moments I prayed to God and was reminded of His love, His plans for my life, and that I have inherent worth that is not attached to my career. I’m so grateful that I also stumbled upon a Ted Talk by Brené Brown about “The Power of Vulnerability”. In this video, I heard Brown speak about shame, and how it is essentially the fear of a lack of connection. A fear that we are not good enough resulting in losing connection, or inclusion, with others. This shame is universal, and it is “underpinned by excruciating vulnerability.” It’s an idea that “in order for connection to happen, we have to be really seen.”
My prayers and this Ted Talk really reinforced for me that losing my job was not a reflection of my worthiness. As my last day approached I realized I didn’t want to give in to the temptation to just slink away in silence and shame. I wanted to have the courage to embrace this moment of vulnerability, and to accept this set back in my life. I wanted to leave my company with my head held high, confident in my worthiness and capacity for my job.
I chose to see this moment as a big opportunity - an opportunity for my co-workers, colleagues and company leaders to get to know me even better, and to find even deeper connection with them.
LA Girl Finance is a resident of Los Angeles, and was recently laid off from her position as a film publicist. Stay tuned for Part Two of this blog series.